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“She’s going to know how to do things and you won’t,” he told Orenstein.
Nate, a high-school junior from the San Francisco area, is terrified of sex because he’s certain the girls in his peer group already have more experience than him.
While girls struggle to find the magic middle ground between “prude” and “slut,” boys are “pushed to be as sexually active as possible,” Orenstein writes, “to knock out their firsts regardless of the circumstances or how they felt about their partners.” David Duchovny in “Californication” plays a novelist in Los Angeles whose ability to woo any woman is described by one young male subject to author Peggy Orenstein as “convincing.” Jordin Althaus/Showtime Rather than declare their abstinence, they come up with excuses for their lack of sexual interest - like the college sophomore Orenstein interviewed who frequently faked “whiskey d–k” to avoid hookups, or Mitchell in Los Angeles, who avoided sex with his high-school girlfriend for years because he was terrified that his sexual ability “would just be … sufficient.” In fact, they’re pushing back against cultural expectations, and many are going so far as to avoid sex altogether.Īccording to the latest data by the General Social Survey, men between the ages of 18 and 29 are having less sex than ever the number of abstinent men has nearly tripled in the last decade, from 10 percent in 2008 to 28 percent last year.īut as Orenstein discovered, it’s a movement that exists largely in secret. She learned that a surprising number of them don’t live up to gender cliches - meaning they aren’t hormone-driven Frankenstein’s monsters, obsessed with sex and unconcerned with the consequences. Over the span of two years, Orenstein spoke to hundreds of boys across the United States, ranging in age from their early teens to mid-20s and spanning all races, socioeconomic backgrounds, religious beliefs and even sexual orientations. “Ever ready, incapable of refusal, regret, or injury” - an idea that just reinforced “the most retrograde idea of masculinity.” Like many of us, she bought into the cultural stereotypes “that all guys are sexually insatiable,” she writes. Once again, his attempts at intimacy fizzled.įor Orenstein, who’s spent two decades writing about the sexuality of girls - with bestsellers like “ Girls & Sex” and “ Don’t Call Me Princess” - Mason’s predicament was difficult to take seriously at first. “But the more he thought about it,” Orenstein writes, “the more anxious he became.” She texted him the next day, inviting him over to try again. He wasn’t able to perform, and blamed it on the weed he’d been smoking all night. When he went to college he met a girl, Jeannie, who invited him back to her dorm room to fool around. “He thought he was just supposed to know,” writes Orenstein.Įven holding hands felt like it came with the risk of humiliation.
But as author Peggy Orenstein learned while doing research on her new book, “ Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity” (Harper), out now, the reality can be very different.įor Mason, the simple act of kissing was something he largely avoided in high school, afraid that without enough experience he would do it wrong. Boys, we’re told, are having sex younger and more irresponsibly than ever. Mason, a former college football player from suburban Milwaukee, was almost 20 years old when he lost his virginity. The surprising way Gov Ball-goers are finding their festival hookups 'Deep Throat' at 50: Still hard for America to swallow 'Oh yes, right there!': These trash cans talk dirty to folks who throw out litter We spent the year masturbating in our work break room - and it changed our lives